smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
