Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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