All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
