Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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