Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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