he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
