So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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