I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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