you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
