does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
