I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
