At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
