i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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