My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize