His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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