God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
