Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
