Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
