well I can't set my house on fire every night
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
