We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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