this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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