Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I did not marry a roomba.
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