Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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