I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
