I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
