I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
