Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
