Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The adults are the big ones right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize