I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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