I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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