The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im holly from the hills drunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
