there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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