I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.