Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??