I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
