She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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