I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
there is glitter all over my balls
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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