Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
