I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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