I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
