i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
