Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
