dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
