I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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