Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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