Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
