No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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