I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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