I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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