Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Randomize
