I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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