Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
