Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
