I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
