Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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