I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
