is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
