Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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