I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
